%THE SHEEP LOVE STORY

12:44 am

Friday, May 29, 2009

haven seriously blogged over the past month.
shall blog today, to update abt my life recently, also partially for/because of you
and lastly, my concerns.

probably shall start with my life bah, though there is nothing exciting actually.
my beloved handphone was spoilt 2 weeks ago i think. was pretty upset abt it cuz somehow, guess i falls into the category whereby i over highly regard my phone due to the different ppl and memories left in it. went to the service centre and i read the clause on the info within the phone wld not be guaranteed that it will still be intact after repair. it really got me quite worried then, cuz i am not ready to lose the things within that i hold dearly to. today, my phone is finally repaired and i collected it. happy thing is it can work again, but sadness comes the moment i opened my inbox and my contact list. a huge part of me had disappeared with it, and many things that i hold dearly to, can never be retrieved ever again. but i guess i must still praise God for taking things away in my life, teaching me great and hurtful lessons in life in the most lovely methods ever, teaching me to treasure everything i have.

you give and take away,
you give and take away,
but my heart will still choose to say,
blessed be your name.

my greatest fear and concern that is so real in my life right now:
things are getting really uncomfortable right now. things are not within my control i guess, thats human's nature to want to know and be in control. guess God is telling me that i am disobeying Him in my life right now. im so afraid that something will happen, when i really hold very dearly to it. im so afraid that history always repeats itself like a curse. though each and every time it was a different situation and reason, but i just cant seem to prevent it from happening. nobody truely understand my fears and insecurities, but you know the phrase of once bitten, twice shy? i have tasted failure 4 times in my life, i really dun wish for it to happen again in my life. i cant help but to think that im a failure always. i really cant afford to lose it ever again, i probably wun be able to stand up the 5th time. i feel so insecure, does anyone ever feel my insecurities? does anyone knows that im living with a phobia everyday and never gotten out of it? its not that i want to be so negative and emotional abt it, but im really so worried and scared. i dun feel enough assurance and affirmation, i dun need promises that has forever and ever lasting effect, i just need simple promises that are easily kept and fulfilled.i just need honesty and trust. i just need transparency. i just need a little more care and love. i just need to spend quality time with you, even if it means that i wun get to see you, i really dun wish for the you-are-annoying-i-cant-wait-to-end-the-call-now phonecalls. at least thats how i feel and it hurts. i just wished to be given the attention when i feel insecure and not being brushed aside. i really dun have any confidence in myself anymore, cuz the feeling of failure is so real. i really cannot lose you,you know?